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Online Reviews: The Good, the Bad and the Hilarious

We are often being asked by our clients how to combat the dreaded bad review online. The fact of the matter is the vast majority of online reviews are posted by people who are VERY happy or very UNHAPPY, (and unfortunately, there’s much more of the latter). People are not likely to stop to take the time to create a username and password and log in just to say they are “satisfied” with a product or service. Even if your product is amazing, one bad experience with customer service or shipping is all it takes to send someone to the web, angry words and half-star ranking in hand!
Online retailers like Amazon.com make it possible to search for products based on those with the best user reviews and ratings, so there are clear benefits to encouraging your customers or clients to post their positive feedback.

And of course, there are the types of reviews you just can’t predict…

For example, take this Zenith watch sold on Amazon. Considering its whopping $86,999.99 price tag (which is the sale price, marked down from $145,000.00—quite a savings!), we were surprised to see it had 161 customer reviews. Maybe the economy really is on the rebound? We had to check out what people were saying about this extravagant watch:

“I had decided on this watch, but then I noticed the shipping charge. Outrageous! I’m shelling out close to $100k, and they want me to take care of the shipping too. Forget it!” -mrs

Clearly, the seller took that comment to heart and changed its policy.

“Free shipping! That was the selling point in my purchase of this masterpiece. $20 for overnight shipping was way too much but free shipping… who can say no? When the UPS man dropped off my watch, I was ready and had the door open. I was kneeling on one knee as if I was being knighted by King Arthur. Instead of being given a sword, I was given this ‘magnet’ as I like to call it. It’s a chick magnet, attention magnet, and coolness magnet. I would go to a bar, pretend to reach across a pretty girl’s face to get a napkin just to show off my watch. I don’t even have to ask for her phone number, she just gives it to me.” -Stephan

And they just go on and on from there. The level of creativity and humor far exceeds any expectations one might have of an online review. If you don’t have time to check out all 161, here are a few more highlights:

“I bought this watch in the hopes that I would be able to keep track of time while I was scuba diving in volcanic lava. After only one 20-minute dive the watch stopped working for some reason. I sent it back to Zenith and they claimed the watch was not lava resistant past 30 feet. I was only diving in 20 feet of lava so I told the CEO to his face that he was a big fat liar. Then I drove to their manufacturing facility and broke in during the night to procure myself a new watch as they refused to replace the first ninety thousand dollar piece of crap I bought from them. Once inside Zenith’s top secret facility I confirmed what I had suspected all along: A room full ofOompa Loompas rebadging Casio G-Shock watches with a cheap titanium exterior and stamping $145,000 price tags on them. Thank God Amazon.com convinces Zenith to allow a mark down of 40% of retail. Knowing that I’m saving $57,000 every time I purchase one of these turds keeps me coming back for more. Thanks, Zenith, for keeping the American dream of owning the ugliest, most expensive watch money can buy alive and well.” -Bill Sheley “Shellnyce”

“Being a Space Cowboy and part-time Pirate, I really needed a watch that could keep up with the demands of my career. I especially found this helpful the other day. I was just lounging around on my personal space station, and noticed that a panel had come loose. But not to worry! I just activated the watches built-in anti-matter exchange circuitry, which formed a protective bubble around me, went outside, and used the patented Zenith Electro-lectic Concentrating Laser Repeater to weld the panel back on. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Another feature I enjoyed was that it actually also keeps time from the 34th dimension, which I visit quit often. No worries about missing Gelekcor the Moon Raider anymore, this watch teleports me to my lounge so I can enjoy the finest in inter-dimensional entertainment.” -Brandon Bush

Have you ever stumbled upon a similarly entertaining product review? Please share it with us! This kept us laughing for hours! (After work, of course!)

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